Little help

I haven't posted in awhile. Three weeks, to be exact. Some of that I can excuse away, chalking it up to midterms and spring break. But mostly its been a combination of laziness and a lack of confidence that this project is going the way that I want it to, without knowing the way I really want it to go or how to make it be that way. I don't know that what I've been doing or saying has been making me think any differently about this subject since I started writing about it. I don't know if what I've been doing has been interesting. I'm starting to lose faith in my ability to say anything new about this, and search for resources effectively, and actually make something out of all of this that would make sense or be useful or interesting in any way.



I was debating about whether or not to post about this because it seems too confessional/ personal/ not really relevant to what I'm "trying to do," but then I decided that it was entirely appropriate. In addition to wanting to experiment with the kind of writing I'm looking at, I think it would be ridiculous for me to propose talking about personal blogs and online diaries without thinking about the confession. And hey, I'm supposed to sort of bring my self-conciousness about things into this directly, right? What better way than to confess that I don't know if I know at all what I'm doing? Am I supposed to fake it? It seems like this particular forum (as in, my English class) has been encouraging me not to, and in truth, part of me feels like I've faked my way through most of college anyway. So in this, my last huzzah, in conjunction with an effort to better understand the nature of the on-line blog confession, I will tell my fake internet non-audience that I'm not entirely sure what it is I'm doing here, commanding your attention to read something I don't know is interesting.

Plus, since my search for primary texts (actual, real-life blogs) seems more and more daunting and pointless every time I do it simply because there are so many out there, I've started to wonder if the text (as in the content) is really as interesting to me as the idea or the theory behind these internet texts. But, the confessional quality of some internet diaries is definitely content-oriented, so I decided to roll with it and see where it takes me. I wonder why some journals take on this quality while others do not, yet they are all talking about private or at least personal matters. I think part of it has to do with taking advantage of the anonymity— (hello, Oberlin Confessional) and having a sort of weird relationship with your "audience." That's the one reason why my confession just now doesn't really function in the same way as others I've read. I presume that almost everyone who might be (maybe... I am still not sure that anyone is actually) reading this, has some reason to do so, is either in my class, or I've talked to about it in some way, so my confessing to my fabricated audience is telling something to people who in some sense, know who I am. Some of the blogs I've read, this is not always the case. For my own 16-year-old blogging experience, the confessions I made were meant for people who didn't know me to read. People I wouldn't get in trouble with. The other thing about confessions is that maybe it makes one seem more truthful, or authentic in some way. In the revealing, maybe there is truth. But then I don't know if I want to open up that can of worms... wrapped up in truth in texts, and the point of which, nature, mediation of such, the MEANING, etc. I'm not quite sure I want to go down that road, for fear it is a tangent.